


You know that I love you so (I love you enough to let you go)

by Ambros



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, Second person POV, Spoilers for s04e18, break-up, reaction fic, this is not my fault okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 16:17:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18502540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambros/pseuds/Ambros
Summary: - You'd never felt that kind of beauty before him – you didn't know beauty could befelt, like peace in your mind.You want to sayI'll do anything.But there's a voice inside your mind.Do you deserve that?And you want to scream that youtried.It feels like you've been trying all your life to deserve that.





	You know that I love you so (I love you enough to let you go)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, uhm, how do I explain this  
> So basically we all know the scene that murdered us all, right? Great  
> So, I think that scene is beautiful and uuuhhhhmmmm, I wanted to write something about it  
> I will write something happy about it too, I promise!  
> But this is what I have so far; I hope you ... enjoy it?  
> But please do let me know what you think!
> 
> Title is from Already gone, by Sleeping at Last. I do not suggest listening to that song and thinking about this episode.
> 
>  
> 
> Since the structure of the fic is a bit weird I'll leave a note at the end that explains it a bit :)

He lays his hands on you and it's already home.

And you realise in a split second what you're losing. You never had a home before him. A place to feel safe and grounded and _you_ , whatever mess that may be. You're losing that, too. You're going back to the way it was before, when the world felt harsh against your skin and you had no other choice but to fight and be silent. But then you wonder, how could you ever go back? Do you even remember what it felt like, to not be awake yet? To not know that you had the right to be happy?

But then you remember.

His eyes and how they're not bright anymore, and this need that's burning him from the inside, the need to help, to be bright, to be _whole_ again, a life he gave up without second thoughts just to save _you._ Are you worthy of that?

You tried to be.

  


“ _I need a break from us.”_

  


You scramble for words. You scramble for thoughts.

You have centuries worth of words in your mind, you know more languages than you could ever find use for.

And yet you scramble for words.

It feels silly when all you can find is _I'm going to quit drinking._ It feels inadequate and small, like you're trying to stop the sky from falling with your bare hands.

And you want to say _I'll do anything._ And Hell knows you would. You would give up your magic and you'd try to hold the sky with your useless, mortal hands if that's what it took. Because you couldn't see before him, could you?, you hadn't realized that there's so much more to life than that, that the ancient gods were always right in envying mortals and how everything is fleeting and precious for them, and what you'd always told others, that life is love and pain and that's why it's beautiful, is true for you too.

You'd never felt that kind of beauty before him – you didn't know beauty could be _felt_ , like peace in your mind.

You want to say _I'll do anything._

But there's a voice inside your mind. _Do you deserve that?_

And you want to scream that you _tried._ It feels like you've been trying all your life to deserve that.

  


“ _It's about what you said. That, without your magic, you could never be happy.”_

  


And that hurts. Still, it hurts.

In a way that's unexpected because you had never known yourself to be so selfish. You'd never thought you would ever want so desperately to be enough to make someone else _happy._

But that kind of happiness, the one that's full and complete, it's not something you've known much of. You got to play with it, for a while. You guess it was long enough.

And now you need to let go of the possibility of it, because you're just – you're not enough. But if your absence could bring that happiness back for him – then it's okay.

That's what you keep telling yourself.

It's okay.

He's going to be okay.

  


“ _You were being honest. I know the difference.”_

  


And he does, doesn't he?

He's always been good at looking through you.

In a way, that's why you weren't scared when he saw your eyes for the first time. You think he's always been able to see through all your glamours.

He probably knew them long before he actually saw them.

And there is nothing you can say to that. You don't know how to say _I'm mourning what I lost and I can't quite see what I have now. I can't quite see you. I don't know how._

Because there's one thing that's blinding you.

  


“ _I'm in pain.”_

  


He's going to be okay. He's in pain right now and you can't think about that – you can't think about how you thought yourself capable of healing that pain just by saying _I love you_ , because that's what catches you, isn't it?, when you feel on the edge of falling inside your own mind that's what pulls you back, something as simple and powerful as _I love you_ said by Magnus Bane. But that's not enough for him.

And you tried.

It's a temporary pain. It will dissipate over time. And he will have all the time he could wish for.

He's going to be okay.

“ _There is no fixing this.”_

  


He's shaking. Why is he shaking? How did you hurt him this much and how do you take it back?

How do you say _would you try holding me_ when he's been trying over and over again and you were always too angry and hurt to let that hold you together just for a moment?

_You said,_ his voice breaks, _there is nothing I can do to make it better._

Oh, Alec.

How did you hurt him this much?

How do you take it back?

  


“ _It's not your job to make it better.”_

  


It hits you in the chest, it leaves you breathless for a moment.

_Yeah,_ you want to say, _I know._

But how could you not try, if you had the chance? How can you look at him being in pain and do _nothing_?

You would do anything, try anything, even if the path hadn't been presented so clearly to you.

And the only thing, the only thing that keeps you standing when he says _days ago you told me that you couldn't bear to lose me_ is that _this,_ this pain is how you're not going to lose him.

This pain is how you're going to give him everything he wants and he – he won't look so lost anymore.

  


“ _Days ago I didn't know that the spark inside of you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good.”_

  


And that – that makes sense, doesn't it?

You wouldn't – you don't get to keep him.

But you want to.

“ _I can't lose you too, Alec – okay?”_

  


You're shaking.

He's shaking too.

You think, _yes, you can. You will. You'll be so happy._

_Please, let me go._

_I don't know how to leave you._

  


“ _Come on, stay with me.”_

  


_Please._

_Please._

_Please let me stay._

  


“ _Magnus – I'm sorry.”_

**Author's Note:**

> In the middle there's the original dialogue from the episode, on the left there are Alec's thoughts and on the right there are Magnus' thoughts :)


End file.
